If your relationship feels messy and confusing, just stop pretending nothing is the matter. Work on your issues with love. We breathe all the time and yet, how many of us have stopped to think about, or pay attention to, the fact that we indeed do breathe? All of our thoughts, feelings and emotions come with a different type of breathing: when we are happy, we breathe in some special way, when we are afraid, our breathing changes, when we are angry or full of hate we even stop breathing, depending on our personalities, and contain all that flow of energy. On occasion, we dare to feel our feelings and our breathing system becomes faster, our heart rate increases and our arteries enlarge.

But the fact is that our breathing rate varies according to our state of mind. And how many of us are aware of our feelings, emotions and thoughts, and of the corresponding breathing rate? I recommend this practical exercise, which you can do on your own or with your partner. Sit down comfortably, close your eyes and pay attention to your breathing rate for two or three minutes.

Now, recall a positive and joyful experience you have had. Notice your breathing rate attentively, always keeping your eyes shut and the happy image in your mind. You should have a pen at hand and note down the changes you have observed. Finally, recall a moment when you felt hatred, or deep anger, and pay attention to your breathing. Take down what happens. If you have really paid attention and been able to really concentrate, you will have observed that the changes in your breathing are due to the changes in your mental state. One of the keys to top evolution and well-being is that you learn to breathe, not to block your breathing, whatever happens and whatever you are feeling. When we are in a relationship, we experience a wide and rich range of emotions. How many of us dare to actually feel them, breathe them and integrate them to ourselves? This is because all that is felt is also repressed, and later comes out in the form of various tensions and illnesses. That's why it is so important that we dare to feel or breathe to the adequate rhythm, thereby integrating the emotions onto ourselves. It so happens that many of us live our lives as if we were anaesthetized, with minimum awareness of our breathing and with minimum levels of energy, for we spend more energy on repressing than on feeling.

Exercises for couples

When you feel your relationship has become messy and confusing, quit pretending nothing is the matter and wearing one of your favorite masks. Stop to ask yourself what you can do to improve or change the situation. Here's some advice: Take a seat, wind down for a moment and be aware of your breathing. Pay attention to it, and your altered mind will calm down. Ask yourself what you are feeling. Transfer that to your conscious mind by means of writing it down. Do not pass judgment on any of your feelings, rather, take them as parts of you that need to be loved and accepted. Try to feel your emotion to the extreme with the help of your breathing. Spot the part of your body where it sets in and lead your attention, and your breathing, to that place. The key is that you dare to feel, and dare to accept. Once you have done this, you need to "take charge of this emotion". I suggest you repeat to yourself "this is my emotion and thanks to my partner, I realize there are some issues I need to address". This is a very important step, for if we keep laying the blame on others, we keep losing our power and energy. To be able to be complete, we need to remember that our emotions belong to us and that our partner is simply a marvelous catalyst that sets forth everything we didn't know about ourselves. The last step I recommend is communication. Once you have dared to feel and taken charge of your wounds, look for the right time, don't delay it, and share your feelings with your partner. Always speak in the first person ("I feel...") and not in the second ("You are..."), which always conveys accusation. One of you must listen and the other communicate. It is very important that both partners can listen and feel listened to. A good way to round off this exercise is a loving gaze with a gesture towards conciliation and forgiveness, for the life of a relationship is bound to constantly die and be reborn, and forgiveness is the key to that.

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About the author: Mabel Iam is best known as a psychotherapist and expert in relationships, but she's also a favorite advisor to politicians and celebrities, and the author of several award-winning, best-selling books around the world, Mabel Iam has rapidly become the number one self-help expert in the US. Iam produces successful TV and radio shows and is a keen hostess.

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